Well, the Lord changed my heart; and almost four years later, I became pregnant with our eldest daughter. At first I thought well, I could be a career mom. So many women are able to do it. Why should I be any different? I did not want to leave my post at work and at the time I got pregnant, it was the height of my corporate career. However, God changed my heart again, and only a few months after finding out we were able to conceive, I quit my most loved job to follow my husband in the states for his one year training. At the back of my mind tho, I thought I would be back at work as soon as we came back.
So it was in the states, where our beloved first baby was born and I soon became a full time, very hands on mom. I breastfed full time, read all the baby books I could get my hands on, did things for my baby that I thought I would never do. (haha) But you know what? I loved it! I loved being a mom! I loved the way my daughter held me, would look at me, would smile at me. I loved her touch, her kisses and being able to witness all her milestones! Motherhood was wonderful!! Since then, I have not been back to full time work. I chose to remain a full time homemaker and mother and have had no regrets.
Fast track to six years later when I am pregnant again with our 2nd child. Little did I know that my motherhood experience would become a real test and challenge. I was not prepared to be a mother of a child with an incurable disease. A child with special needs.
A special needs mother experiences something TOTALLY different. There are no more milestones to count or log in a baby book, there are endless nights worrying about the future, there are lots of tears as compared to laughter, there are more hospital trips and doctors visits then your fingers can count vs. trips to the zoo, and as I shared a little of it yesterday, our lifestyle turned around 180 degrees. However, I still love Sabina's every touch, every smile, every look, every sound she makes. And maybe, I love them even more because I know it is not very often, it is unique and special in her own way.
As a special needs mother, I am learning to value every moment, to stop counting the milestones and instead, treasure the small things. The little things that most mothers may take forgranted. I am learning to see the joy even in the difficult times and to look at things from an eternal perspective. I am learning to be content and thankful for whatever situation God gives. I am learning to let go and let God. I am learning, that even a mom with the best intentions cannot have control over her child because the Lord does. And I have already learned, that the Lord Jesus loves my kids, so so much more, ever so much more than I ever could.
So, do I still love my role as mother now that I have a little Sabina who lives with a progressive disease? Oh yes, I certainly do!! It is no doubt most difficult, hard, and sometimes even painful. But -- I know that the Lord has given my two very special girls to me. :) And even if I may never hear Sabina call me Mama or Mommy (but I still pray that one day, she will be able to talk), they are both my blessed treasures and I love them both so very deeply and equally(!) with all my heart.
Isaiah 49:15 "Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne? Though she may forget, I will not forget you!"
Happy Mother's Day!!!